Sick

Sick. Sick. Sick.

Babies with snot running everywhere and blank looks on their faces. A boy with huge black bags under his eyes and achy legs. A mother with a throat that has never felt so sore. Fevers of 103.7. Coughs all around. But we are on the upswing. This was the first time in Logan's 5 year academic career that he has had to call in sick. So much for making it all the way through high school. Be back soon with things more interesting than snot.

Oh, yes. The babies had their court date on Tuesday and are now officially adopted. I felt awful waiting in the courthouse sharing our germs but the judge seemed sicker.

Why?

No matter how carefully I choose the toys for the bathtub for the babies, the best toy is always the plug to the drain.

One Year Ago

One year ago we were saying goodbye to our foster baby J. It was both terrible and wonderful. Wonderful because I was pregnant with the twins, feeling miserable and not really able to give any of the kids the energy they deserved. With her gone I wouldn't have two night feedings and all the things that go along with an almost 6 month old.

Terrible because I took her to a complete stranger's house with all of her stuff and left her. Alone. Without me. It was just sooo wrong. We'd been together everyday since she was 15 days old. She only knew us. Why couldn't we have had "playdates" leading up to the new placement? I'd have happily done the driving to the new house for weeks to let it be a smoother transition. Maybe an over night visit.

When she left we took a much needed vacation to Puerto Rico, where I spent my time worrying about her. When we got back there were no messages waiting. I was heart broken. Then we finally found out that......"Oh, yeah,she's been in the hospital." What?? Why not call me so I could visit her. I am the only one who has taken care of her for her entire life. The new foster mom has a policy of not touching her babies when they are hospitalized for fear of bruising them and the possible consequences of that. Oh my, just when she needs physical contact the most she gets none.


I was really angry
-at myself for not being able to keep caring for her
-for never having fully fallen in love with her
-at the system for moving her without any transitional period
-at the new foster mom who seemed so cold
-at her biological mother for not just letting her become available for adoption now since she clearly had no desire (or ability) to care for J herself.

I was so sad for her life to be abruptly changed because the adults in her life had failed her. Last July she went to live with her pre-adoptive family. The DSS called us in the fall to ask permission to give our names to the pre-adoptive family so they could contact us. I was so excited. I have hundreds of photos, hours of video. I've met her birth mom. I brought her home from the hospital. I gave her her first real bath, her first taste of solid food, her first breath of non-hospital air, her first trip to the beach and the woods and the mountains. I want to share that with her parents. But they've never called us.


There is nothing I can do now to make this right and for the rest of my life I will feel guilty for letting her go and wonder where she is and how she is doing.

Whiny Sleep rant * Part 2 of 472

The impact of parental sleep deprivation on a family? It is more than just a tired mom. For example-

Nutrition- Our whole family is eating poorly because I don't have the energy or "togetherness" to prep foods early in the day so ensure a quality evening meal. So pasta again. Or bagels, again.

Safety- Stopping at green lights? Draining that boiling pasta on the counter? Leaving the baby on the roof of the car? Been there, done that. (well, not the baby on the roof!) Short term memory loss is common.

Education- Logan's spelling words are a challenge for me. I've forgotten to go into his school for events even though we had talked about it at breakfast. And opportunities staring me in the face that I miss. "Is 3X4 a group of 3 four times or three groups of 4?" asks the boy child.

Pleasant Times- I am too short with all of the kids. Times that previously would have been light hearted and turned into hug fests are now chores. "Just do it because it needs to be done."

So am I building a valid argument to let the babies (well, Meryl) cry it out? And would it even work? Why do her needs take precedent over the needs of 5 other people? I know what I want the end result to be. (Four children who can sleep independently.) I'm just not sure how to get there now.

Whiny Sleep Rant Part 1 of 472

AARGGHHHHHHHHH!

Something has got to be done, but I really don't know what it is or how to go about it. Here is a standard night-

6:50 P- Finley nurses to sleep in about 4 minutes after a bath. Into the crib- plop.
7:112- Avery goes to sleep with all sweetness and "I love you infinity."
8:01- Logan gets swaddled (I mean goes into his sleeping bag) and spends exactly 17 seconds falling asleep.

Where's Meryl? On my back during all of this yawning, rubbing her eyes, etc.

8:02- Try to alternately nurse her to sleep and let her lie in her pnp so she can fall asleep alone. Both result in the same crying that soon turns to screaming.

9:09- My will is broken so I take her to bed with me. She nurses to sleep in 4 minutes but cannot be moved or we start the whole thing over.
9:10- Fall asleep in 4 seconds.
10:10- Replace Finley's pacifier after she wakes with a howl.
11:12- Avery needs some water and stuff for her lips.
11:58- Nurse Meryl for 8 minutes (must be done while lying in bed. She will not tolerate sitting up.)
12:38, 1:57- Repeat 11:58's activity
2:23- Both girls are awake. Don't even bother trying to nurse both lying down, even the Mongolian contortionists agree this is impossible. Sit up in bed nursing both. Finley has diaper failure. Change her and now both girls are wide awake.
3:42- Success! Both girls are asleep--- in my bed. Head to the couch to warm up a new spot. Brrrrr.
4:15- Not so long lived. Meryl needs a human pacifier.

5:37- GOOD MORNING! Get up with a bright shiny smile to start a lovely 4 day weekend with 4 kids who will want me to wait on them and meet their every need.

Ride On

Conversations with a 4 year old

A: "What comes after preschool?"
Me: "Then you start Kindergarten at the Elementary School."
A: "What school comes after that?"
Me: "They you will go to Curtis."
A: "Then?"
Me: "Then you will go to LS."
A: "Then?"
Me: "Then you will go to college."
A: "Then?"
Me: "Well, then I guess you'll go to grad school."
A: "Then?"
Me: "It depends on what you want to do for work when you grow up. What do you think you might like to do?"
A: "I'm going to be a Princess."

and

L: "I think I want to start collecting something."
Me: "Oh yeah. What?"
L: "I don't know. Grammie collects dolls."
Me: "Yup."
L: "I'm not sure. I've gotta think."
A: "I know what I want to collect."
Me: "What?"
A: "Diamonds."

If Mama Ain't Happy.......

Just a reminder not to tick off your mother or you too may end up eating dinner off the floor.

Sledding Fun

We went sledding but ended up mostly playing in the icy field at the bottom of the "hill." Logan will wear this snowsuit only if he thinks he won't run into anyone he knows. It really is rather geeky, but it has these great kevlar-like patches on the knees and bottom so they'll never wear out.
So of course, Avery can't wear her snowsuit to school either. They must wear their ski pants and jackets.
The babies happily wear their snowsuits!